Skinship

What does it take to become "PhD Mom"?

- 10.000 hours of dedicated reading, field research, data analysis and writing, editing, writing, deleting, writing, writing, writing...
- not going to sleep before 2 or 3 a.m. for several months (and waking up at 7 in the morning when one little boy is already fresh and full of energy)
- crying because you don't (yet) have a clue about statistics and your data is completely the opposite of what you've expected
- developing sound theoretical models during breastfeeding (yes, oxytocin helps you to relax and sometimes get some great ideas :-)
- editing your text while playing on the playground with your kid
- living in a complete chaos: no bills payed for the last couple of months, livingroom looks like a national archive after an eartquake and I can not find any of my personal belongings anymore

- 200something pages of text that is supposed to make sense and in someway contribute to science?!

I have submitted my PhD dissertation today and I am so tired that I can not even celebrate. I am going straight to bed to hug my little monkey and finally have a good night sleep.

I really want to thank you all for the unconditional support in the last four years. Especially those of you who had to live with me on those bad "PhD days" :-)))

Anja

Natural living

A beautiful article by Peggy O'Mara from The Mothering Magazine. It's about how to have a natural and relaxed life, without rules to follow or feelings of guilt. It's simply about trusting yourself and your baby...

What is natural family living?

You can read all her "Quiet place" articles here.

Winter is coming...it's time for mama jackets

If you are pregnant or are babywearing your little one, you will love those mama-jackets and mama-ponchos. They can be used all the way through pregnancy and are very useful when you are wearing your baby or toddler in any kind of soft carrier (slings, poches, mei-tais, etc.). You can carry your baby in front or at the back.
We are using mama poncho all the time...while baby wearing and also while Jun is in the stroller where it turns into a comfortable and warm blanket.

For more details, photos and purchasing click here.

Family bikes

Do you love to bike? Would you like
your kids to enjoy the ride with you? Many years ago when I first came to Denmark as a student I got so excited about their family bikes that I promised myself to get one when I have kids. So, I think now is the time to get one. In the past days I've checked out the most common brands.

Here are two types of family bikes that you most often see in Copenhagen: Christiania bikes and Nihola bikes. And just recently a brand new design came from TrioBike.
 

Those bikes are safe and very stable with two wheels in front, they are easy to handle and provide a superbly comfortable ride for you and your children. You can easily transport two and with some models even more children and you will still have lots of load space for your grocery shopping and other stuff.

What I like the most is that the child seat is located in front and you can see your child during the ride. Both bikes come with many extra equipment, like for example rain covers, extra lights, lockers and even bar rack for the car transportation.

TrioBike has another great option- you can turn it into a normal bike and use the stroller part separately. The price is high, but if you consider it a substitute for a car it's definitely worth it. And its more healthy and environmentaly friendly. Not to mention the fantastic Danish design. With TrioBike you will definitely be noticed.I think I have to write to Santa to start saving up :-)

Enjoy the ride.

Diaper free life or what does EC stand for

Did you ever consider life without diapers­? Did you think how we were brough up? Or what do African, Asian and South American mothers do with their babies?

The advertising campaigns for Pampers, Huggies and other brands are so agressive and repeatedly appear on TV, magazines, billboards and other places that they almost made us believe that babies come »naturally« in dipares.

When Jun was born I didn't feel comfortable to leave him in diapers for prolonged periods. Eventhough we were using cloth diapres I still didn't want him to spend the entire day and night in those bulky (and usualy wet) diaper.

We started searching the web to find an alternative solution and than we found the book by Ingrid Bauer »Diaper free: the Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygene«. You can get more info on Natural Wisdom web page.  This is how we got familiar with the concept of elimination communication (EC). We started using it for bowel movements quite early and lately we even do it for urination. It works great and now I am wondering why haven't it introduced earlier.

For those of you who are interested in the topic you can find more information at Diaperfree Baby.

I also recommend the article from NY Times Dare to Bare by Meredith F. Small, a professor of anthropology Cornell University and the author of "Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent."

There are also couple of blogs on this topic like for example Free ro EC or EC Journey.

I am getting more and more exciting about it. Because it really works and is actually a lot of fun :-) I will write more about how we got started and about our experience in the future.

I am also very interested in your experience. Does any of you practice elimination communication? How does it work for you and your baby? Do you use EC all the time or just during the day?

Mothering Magazine

I've finally got it...a subscription to the Mothering magazine. The Magazine recently celebrated it's 30th anniversary and for all those years it has been an amazing source of information on natural family living for (expectant) parents. They advocate breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, cloth diapers and other natural parenting choices. But what is best about Mothering is that they do not pose guilt on those who (from whichever reason) chose alternatives. They believe in informed parenting decisions that incorporate specific family situation. They provide parents with all necessary information, offer advice and gentle guidance through the challenging path of parenting.

You can watch a video about Mothering here:

I especially like the section called Quiet Place by Peggy O'Mara which can also be read on line. On their web page you can also join their community where you can discuss with similarly minded parents.

I really recommend this magazine to all parents who practice attachment parenting as well as those who feel in their heart that "mainstream" parenting is not the right thing but need more information before converting from conventional parenting practices to more natural approaches.

Dogs and babies

Do you have a dog who is part of your family? Are you expecting a baby? You might find our experience useful...

We have a four year old dog named Oskar who is part of our family and as my darling husband  would say »he was brought up in attachment parenting style« :-) As you can imagine Oskar is very attached to us and at some point of my pregnancy he got very protective and he didn't let anyone close to me. I was quite relaxed and I felt that his behavior will sort out when the baby is born. But many people were scaring me with all kind of horrible stories about how dogs attacked babies. Just before Jun was born we got a contact to a vet who specializes in dog psychology. It sounds a bit wared to take a dog to a shrink but as responsible parents we thought it might help. Her suggestions were indeed helpful. The whole point is that your dog has to associate baby with positive feelings. But as a young and unexperienced parent you would probably intuitively do just the opposite like for example play with your dog when baby is asleep and put dog in another room when you are trying to calm a crying baby. So here is what she suggested us and also some of our ideas that made our »new family life« easier:
- In the last couple of months before birth try to slowly reduce attention you are giving to your dog. However you have to give him a lot of attention after the baby is born. As you probably won’t have so much time in the first couple of weeks is good idea to ask someone that the dog likes to take him for a long walk and play. My mother and sister-in-law did a great job. Oskar returned home so tired that he didn’t mind the screaming baby and he peacefully slept on his sofa.
- Don't change house rules immediately before or after the baby comes home. On contrary it's better to add some privileges to your “dog's list” after the baby arrives.
- Let someone bring your and baby's clothes or blankets from the hospital and put them around the flat so dog can get used to the new smell and relate it to you.
- When you come home you should be the first to enter and give a big »hello« to your dog.
- Than bring in the baby and put her on the floor in the car seat and let the dog smell her. Be relaxed because dog can feel your tension. He will probably just sniff the baby briefly and then turn back to you. He had missed you a lot.
- Give your dog a new interesting toy the day you return from the hospital. He will relate baby's arrival with something positive.
- When baby is asleep try not to interact to much with the dog. On contrary, when baby is awake and especially if he is crying someone has to play with the dog. This way he will relate baby's crying with the play.
- We always keep some snack for our dog on the changing table and on the places where I am usually breastfeeding. So Oskar gets a treat while baby is given attention.
- Never leave dog and your baby alone in the room. Babies can sometimes grab the dog's ear or tail which can hurt and animal in pain is quite unpredictable.
- Don't forget to play, walk and cuddle your dog after the baby is born. It is quite challenging to find some time for you dog in the first couple of weeks so it is good to have some help.
- Gently introduce the dog to your baby. Babies love animals and usually they become best friends. But it takes some time for them to get to used to each other. In our case Oskar is the only one that can always put Jun in good mood with his entertaining performances 
- When you walk your dog it is easier to have your baby in the carrier, bacause it might get quite unmanageable to have your dog and a stroller in each hand.
- Don't get stressed with dirt and germs. If you live with a dog you can't expect to have a spotless home. And yes, the dog will eventually lick your baby's hands and face. So it's better to get used to it and live with it. 
- Be sure to keep your dog healthy and regularly checked by vet.
- If your dog is used to sleep in your bed you might consider changing this habit. But do it well before your baby is born. If you will not succeed and still end up co-sleeping with the whole family be careful that there is no chance that dog could overlay a baby. And be sure not to mention co-sleeping with dog to your pediatrician or even worse to you mother-in-law :-).

You can find more ideas on how to introduce new baby by Stan Rawlinson, a Dog Behaviorist and Obedience Trainer here.

In our experience dogs and babies can easily grow together if you take some precaution. But even more important you should be very flexible. This should actually the first bullet on the list because life with dogs and babies is quite challenging :-). You should see me with our big boy in the sling, Oskar in one hand and the other hand full of grocery shopping. And if I am lucky enough there is a cat just crossing a street in front of us…I better don’t explain the “cartoon scene” in more detail. But you will definitely never be bored with the zoo in your house. And there is nothing more memorable than Jun’s delightful laughter when Oskar preforms with his toys.

Growing up with dogs (or other pets) can give a child some of the most positive lessons in life. They will learn about sharing, caring and the most important they will experience the unconditional love.

Life without TV

It is more than a year since we’ve put TV out of our flat. The decision came very spontaneously…the old TV broke down and we were thinking whether we should buy a new one. And we decided not to. Since than we are enjoying TV-free life.

It is only after you put TV out of your living room that you realise how much influence it has on your life. Flat becomes a peaceful place with music in the background instead of beaking news and “washing-powder” commercials. You finally have those couple of hours every evening to talk to each other, reflecting on the whole day, preparing and enjoying the dinner or reading a few chapters of your favourite book instead of falling asleep at the remote. However, putting TV out of your life brings much more than just few extra hours into your life. More first-hand experience coming soon.

The number of families without TV is increasing (also among our dear friends) and there are many scientific studies conducted all around the world that research the benefits of TV-free life.

Leisure expert Barbara Brock from EWU researched the life-style patterns of TV-free families. She found out that:

-         TV-free parents have nearly an hour a day of meaningful conversation with their children.

-         80% of the adults believe their marriages are stronger.

-         70% report that their children get along better without TV.

-         85% percent of subjects never doubt their decision to turn off the TV.

She just published a new book “Living outside the box” presenting the results from a landmark survey of 500 families and 1,200 individuals. Among her illuminating findings, she discovered that parents in households without television spend ten-times more time in meaningful conversations with their children compared to the US average of only 40 minutes.

And this is definitely important enough to at least consider living with less or no TV. I will soon post more studies on TV and children.

Presence instead of presents

Christmas parties at my parent's place used to be full of presents...for everyone, even for our cat and two dogs.

Last year I was just about four months pregnant and my morning sickness was more of a whole-day-and-night sickness so I told everyone that there will be no presents from my Santa that year. Everyone seemed fine with that but I still felt a bit guilty. "Maybe I should still try and do some shopping" was going through my mind...thankfully my body and baby didn't let me enter the smelly shopping centres.  And just when the hectic around holidays was over I realised this was the most peaceful December ever...I've spent time walking our dog, reading books and spending great time with my family.

And this year I will do the same...I will try to spend my time on presence instead of presents. And I hope this will become our family tradition. In this article by Pam Leo you can find some ideas on how to spend quality time with your children instead of losing your head (and money) in the crowded shopping centres.

Being chronically busy

Being on a maternity leave really brings a new dimension into your life...it is the time when you finally take a distant (and somehow more objective) view of what is going on with you and people around you. It is probably because you finally put your watch in the drawer for a year. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how busy we are. I haven’t had a conversation in a long time where none of participants would (at least once) mention how busy she/he is and how little time they have. It might be because of the coming Christmas holidays but anyway... it made me think why are we so chronically busy?  

Many people stay in the office very late and even than take home “just few things to be finished”. And than you add fitness or even worse shopping or watching TV and the week is over. And so are the opportunities to spend some quality “one-to-one” moments with your closest friends and family. Those refreshing moments when you can truly relax and be yourself. Having a baby is a great chance we are given to bring those moments back to our life. To stay in front of the mirror and do strange faces, or lie on the floor and play with blocks or just sit and listen to what your 6months-old has to tell you.

But do we really have to wait to have a baby? Maybe we just need to value our free time more. And maybe we just need some fresh ideas on how to spend it: inviting friends over for… painting new picture for your living-room, thematic dinner party, making of organic cosmetics, discussion on a new book, wine tasting, creating Christmas presents or any other thing that you are passionate about. If you have something so exciting waiting for you in the afternoon, there is no money to keep you at work all those after-hours.

Maybe we just have to realize that we need those moments! We will use our time more efficiently, come up with new ideas and have more motivation if we treat ourselves with some creative time off.