Interview with Jesper Juul (2nd Part)

All through history children were seen and treated as some kind of antisocial semi-beings that need to be subjected to great influence and manipulation from parents in order to learn to behave like real (adult) human beings; as objects in need of special »parenting methods«. You are saying that this is not the case and one of the arguments in favour of that basic notion is your claim that children cooperate. Even more: that they cooperate willingly and competently and that faced with a choice between cooperating and saving their integrity they inevitably choose cooperation. Tell us more about that, how and why that happens?

The conflict between our personal integrity (needs, values and boundaries) and our desire to cooperate (adapt, copy) is a fundamental existential conflict that has always been know to man. It can also be described as a conflict between individuality and conformity or between the individual and society. It is a lifelong and daily challenge to find the right balance because the individual depends on the group just as much as the group depends on the individual.
The question we ask ourselves today is how we can raise children in a non-authoritarian and non-violent way. How can we teach them genuine respect for other people based on good experiences and trust instead of and fear or anxiety.
In our fifty years of working with families we have learned that children are not born “egocentric” as S. Freud thought. They are more than willing to cooperate and copy their parents when treated with respect. Just watch any infant and you will see how eager they are to please and to learn the ways of their parents.
This means that our task as adults has been redefined. We must now develop a way to be with our children that protects their personal integrity and help them when they cooperate too much for their own good. This is not a romantic notion suggesting that we should be “nice and sweet” all the time but that we develop ways of exercising our authority and power.

But still, parents are obsessed with the idea that they need to yield and retain power in the parent-child relationship. Why are we so stuck with the idea that power is important in any relationship?

I believe that this idea has very little to do with how to raise children. It has been a reflection of autocratic political systems, where adults were suffering as much as children but could not see any other way. Power is a reality – also in relationships. The question is how we can administrate our power on the personal level in a way that helps our loved ones to grow and become healthy instead of harming them and damage their vitality. How can we raise children that are mentally healthy and not either violent/abusive or self destructive? Over the past two decades we have found many answers to this question, but many are still unanswered.

The other point that seems to preoccupy parents is the necessity to set limits to the child. What's your view on setting the limits?

I don’t believe in setting limits for children in the sense that we create fences of rules and prohibitions around them. I do believe that is important that parents are well-defined – i.e. that they are clear about what they want and don’t want.
If a small child wants to cross the street when there is a red light you should of course hold him back, but when it comes to the child’s development of respect and understanding for your values and boundaries it happens through interaction and dialogue and it takes app. five years for a child to integrate this knowledge. (This is – by the way – much faster than most adults learn about the values and boundaries of their partner)